See, I’m All About Them Words

[Note: I have to say that even though this blog is called The Verbal Filter, I normally do hold back a teeny bit. There are things that I don’t always want on the Internet. However, I’ve decided that if I want to be a true writer, I have to accept the vulnerability that comes with putting my thoughts and feelings and experiences down for anyone and everyone to read. I’m taking a cue from my favorite quote and running with it: “If we had to say what writing is, we would define it essentially as an act of courage.” -Cynthia Ozick]

Do you know what hurts the most about a breakup (or even the end of an unofficial relationship)? It’s not losing that person or having an empty bed again or even wishing you hadn’t wasted X amount of time with him. It’s not having to go back to being lonely and dreading the whole dating process again and getting slightly bitter when you see a million happy couples everytime you leave the house. As much as all of these things sting, the worst part is knowing that you can never have back everything you told him. Unlike the basketball shorts he left at your place or the toothbrush you left at his, you can’t ask for your secrets back. You can’t demand that he forget all of your vulnerabilities and all of your little habits that one only sees when it’s just you and him. You can’t get those back, and that’s the scariest part.

Sure, you still possess your quirks and the little mysteries it took a while for him to solve, and maybe the next person will learn these too, but the fact that someone else still has them, well that makes you sick to your stomach. It’s not just that he knows about your affinity for really terrible pop music or that you were the world’s most awkward kid or that you can be slightly OCD. Those are the things that endear you to friends and family, and that you know someone somewhere down the line will love you for as well. Those are not the things that take an enormous amount of courage to lay out there for judgment.

These things – the terrifying things – are those that you might tell the next person, in a moment of trust, about a darker time in your life you really don’t like to revisit. Or those confessions about yourself that only come out after you take a deep breath, because you worry they could snap the relationship right in two. But the last guy, and the one before him, and maybe even the one before that has all of that information too. And it’s annoying and frustrating and downright agonizing because he’s not using it, but he has it, tucked away on a shelf. And you realize that maybe that confession to him was the thing that did break whatever you had. Yet he’s still keeping it, like the gift he got for Christmas that he never really wanted, but is too selfish to give away to someone who might really appreciate it.

Words are the worst to lose, because once you let them loose, you can never fully get them back. Because you can’t touch them, and you can’t see them, but more than any of the tangible things that come with a relationship, you can feel them. Right where it hurts the most.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone

That’s how you all feel about me right? (right?!)

Anyway, I realize I have been gone for quite some time, but I WILL be back. I’ve just needed to take some time away from a lot of things in life to… reassess. Where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’ve become, and who I want to be.

Anyway, I’m also taking a little time to make sure I sleep… which is why I need to get to bed right this instant. I’ll be back soon though, with lots of interesting things to share!

If not, I’ll just tell you about more randoms that started talking to me on public transportation.

Everytime We Touch

Tonight, right before she went to bed, I asked my roommate for a hug.

That sounded strange, didn’t it? The thing is, I’m realizing more and more that one of the biggest things I miss about college and being 45 minutes away from family is the physical human contact. In high school and college, I was super affectionate with my friends and I took it completely for granted. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’ve become a little hardened from living in the city or because I have this notion that adults just don’t hug willy-nilly whoever, but now hugging and touching the people I love is not part of my daily life.

I realized that tonight as I (sheepishly) asked my roommate, who is also one of my best friends, for a hug and she said, “Of course! Are you OK?” While I appreciated the hug and her concern, it dawned on me that when needing a hug only indicates that someone is hurting, there’s a problem.

The thing is, I come from a pretty touchy-feely family and adore human contact. But tonight, not only was I appalled that I felt silly for asking for a hug from one of my best friends, but I was shocked that I couldn’t recall the last embrace I’d had. I ran into a friend on the street on my way to the gym downtown a while ago and when we parted ways, I gave her the biggest hug ever. And before then it may have been when I saw friends at a bar for St. Patty’s. And before that it was when my sister visited in mid-February. Guys, I’m averaging less than one hug per week. Sad, isn’t it?

Anyway, I think maybe I should try to change this. Maybe that’s part of why I’ve really felt down and not quite myself in Chicago yet. Not only am I losing touch with who I am, but I’m losing touch in general in a very literal way. In fact, hugging has become such a rarity that I’ve occasionally come close to bursting into tears from a quick squeeze from a good friend. (crazy woman alert) I’ve never been excessively emotional, but this little act overwhelms me, like someone is throwing me a life preserver and reminding me of who I am and that people are pretty wonderful. You didn’t know the topic of hugging could be so philosophical, did you?

As silly as it might seem, I may have to start requesting hugs from my friends. I have plenty of people that I know here, so that’s not the issue. It’s that I shy away and remain aloof when everyone is hugging in big groups. And on top of that, I forgot how integral it is to who I am as a person and to my satisfaction with life. Hugs should be natural, yes, but I think I’m out of practice, so I’ll just have to ask. I read a study somewhere (correct me if I’m wrong) that humans need something like seven hugs per day to maintain a happy lifestyle. So maybe I should make that my number one goal for the month of April (or start now so I can stop being a Debbie Downer ASAP)– get a hug everyday and work my way up from there.

What do you guys think? How important is physical contact and hugging to you and your happiness quotient?

A Change Would Do You Good

You know what, guys? I am in a serious dry spell. With pretty much every aspect of my life. I’m in need of inspiration from… somewhere. My love life (or lack thereof) could use a little shake up, my workouts have been boring and repetitive, my job is seeming a bit more monotonous than usual (still WAY better than my last one, so don’t think I’m not thankful to have a job in this economy), my motivation for well, anything, is almost nonexistent, and I feel like I do the same thing every single weekend, if I really do anything at all. In short, I’m in a rut in a big way.

I‘m not trying to be a downer here because I’m not usually a wallower, and I know i wrote about this before, but I guess I just need some advice. I can’t get rid of this feeling. How do you shake things up when you really can’t make any drastic changes? As much as I would love to move to Italy on a whim and just write and live this amazingly charmed, romantic life, I can’t right now. Plus, even if I could, sometimes I’m a little too practical for my own good. I’ve got all of these grand plans for myself, but I am paralyzed by logic (dammit), and I worry, worry, worry. I’m only 23 (almost 24, eek), so this should be the time when I should try to up and leave the country or do the job I really want to do (personal training while freelance writing… that would be living the dream!), right? That way if I fall on my face, I can easily pick myself back up without worrying that I broke a hip or blew my kid’s college fund. I mean… right?

Anyway, back to the original point of this post… how do you shake things up when you have limited room for shaking? Once i tackle that then I can conquer the rest of my big dreams. But for now… ideas?

BTW, this is something new and different for me… I’m telling you to go and check out Kelly T’s blog to enter her amazing giveaway! Plus she’s freaking hilarious, so if nothing else, you’ll be laughing, even if you don’t like free, cute workout gear. Which would make you crazy.

Simple Kind of Life

I think that’s what I need right about now.

It’s not that my life is so terribly complicated, but does anyone else ever feel like they just need a break from life in general? That they need a whole life detox?

I‘ve been trying really hard to stay upbeat despite the cold weather and utter lack of sunshine. I’ve been making sure that I get enough sleep, that I get my workouts in (endorphins, people!) and eat right, that I write a little every day, that I talk with friends and stay social. I’ve been making sure that I stay away from the things that get me stressed and cause me to freak out and ultimately turn into a downward spiral of crappy moods. But this week, it just fell apart. In spite of my best efforts, I felt horrible all week and it wasn’t something I could talk myself out of. I’ve been overly sensitive and on edge and really getting angry at the littlest things. Which is so. not. like. me. Everyone who knows me sees me as pretty easy-going albeit a bit type-A at times. But not this past week. Sigh.

Let me give you a few examples. First of all, the holidays are usually my favorite time of the year. I just can’t help but smile. But not this year. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” has sounded really depressing and buying presents for my family (which I normally love) has seemed like an impossible task. Here’s another one: the other day on the bus I was just overcome with this overwhelming urge to scream because there were SO MANY DAMN PEOPLE. Yes, I do realize that it’s public transportation, meaning that other people will inevitably use it as well. Which is why I could tell something was wrong with me. Then yesterday, my roommate, another friend, and I had decided to make gingerbread houses (Ok, FINE, they were graham cracker and Duncan Hines frosting houses) because we were all in the holiday spirit (or trying to be on my part). So I jumped in the shower after my run and got out to find that they had already started and were pretty much done. For some reason I was really hurt since I was assuming this was going to be a group activity and then it wasn’t. Then feeling hurt made me scoff at myself for getting upset at things that wouldn’t bother a seven year old.

I just don’t get why this week has thrown me off so much! I don’t know if I can blame PMS since that doesn’t usually affect me. Plus this really seems beyond the little mood swings I normally get right before Aunt Flo comes to town. Like I said, I think I just need a little life detox. I need to shake up my routine — the way I do things, the people I talk to, the schedule I’ve been keeping, the food I eat, the thoughts I think. I’m just not sure how to get started because I can’t pinpoint what the trouble is. Just this inexplicable feeling that I’ve slowly been going crazy lately. I’ve even been thinking about picking up some sort of self-help book (even though I think so many are totally hokey) or something because I am at the end of my rope! Plus I need something new to read because I am STILL working my way through The Feminine Mystique.

Anyway, does anyone else ever feel like this? Just a little nuts and jumbled? And what do you do about it? Do you shake things up? Shift things around? Got any book ideas? Or just any ideas period?